bereavement advice
Funeral Protocol Guide
This guide has been written to answer some of the most commonly asked questions regarding the conventional protocol when attending a funeral. Fortunately, attending a funeral service is not a regular occurrence for most of us and so it is not unusual for people to want to know what is commonly accepted etiquette, especially as many regions of the country have their own customs and culture. Do not hesitate to ask your Funeral Director if you have further questions.
Do I need to be invited to a funeral or can anyone attend?
A funeral service is open to anyone who has known the deceased. A funeral
service is the opportunity for family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances
to say goodbye to the deceased.
Should I wear black?
Some people choose to wear black because they feel it is traditional.
These days family and friends attend a funeral service dressed in
a manner they feel comfortable. Most people attending the service
knew the deceased so they usually know what he or she would have
liked. It is important to be comfortable – it may be useful
to remember churches and cemeteries can be very cold in winter.
Should ladies cover their heads or wear gloves?
Ladies attending funerals in Catholic churches usually cover their
heads and at Greek Orthodox ceremonies it is expected. Men at Jewish
ceremonies cover their heads. In other circumstances it is advisable
to only wear a hat if it is your normal practice to do so and gloves
are no longer expected.
Do mourners enter the church or crematorium before or after
the coffin?
When the funeral service is in a church people usually arrive and take
their place before the service starts and then stand when the coffin
is bought in. At a crematorium, it is more common to enter after the
close family, who immediately follow the coffin. If you do arrive at
the church or crematorium early please leave the front seats for close
family of the deceased. However, the officials at the church or crematorium
e.g. the minister or the funeral director will guide mourners accordingly.
Where should I sit?
The front rows are usually left for immediate family with other mourners
seated behind. The next of kin traditionally sit at the end of the
pew next to the coffin. If the church is very large, it is unlikely
to be full and so it is unwise to sit at the very back.
What happens at the very end of the service?
At the end of the service the minister or official will leave the church
or crematorium and the congregation should stand. At a church the
coffin will be carried out. In a crematorium the coffin may remain
on view or be hidden by a curtain. Next of kin and close family should
leave first followed by other mourners.
Writing letters of condolence
For most people, writing letters of condolence to the bereaved is not
a common experience and so it can be easy to find yourself struggling
to express your feelings. The following suggestions are a simple
guide and you may wish to add personal comments to make the letter
more appropriate to you, the deceased and the relationship you had.
Your letter of condolence will be of great comfort to the family
of the deceased and the bereaved often like to feel that their loved
one positively affected the lives of others. Letters of condolence
do not have to be long. It is more important that the content is
sincere and genuine feeling is expressed. We would advise that you
try to post the letter as soon as possible. See
some of our examples here.
Funeral music recommendations
As people's attitudes change to the type of funeral service they want,
more and more people are choosing a service that reflects the person
and the sort of life they led. It is increasingly common to incorporate
favourite musical compositions, both classical and contemporary as
part of the remembrance of a loved one.
